Following My Energy

Experiencing and growing into my sacral authority in the beginning of my Human Design experiment

In a previous post (or do we call them articles here?? 🤔), I discussed some of my not-so-often-shared thoughts on other people’s way of approaching Strategy & Authority (S&A for short) … even though I had originally started writing that one with the intent of sharing my experiences with my own authority and sacral response. Well, we’re gonna get there now…

When I first learned about Human Design and heard about the sacral response, it made a lot of sense to me. I’d had many moments throughout my life that I had been guided by it … strong yesses that were undeniable and unquestionable.

It is how I moved back to Brazil as an adult; a strong force just seemed to MOVE me and make it happen. An inner affirmation that just felt so right. It’s also how I moved BACK from Brazil to the US… although that one was a little more of an interesting thing. I began to feel this strong sense of missing my parents and their home, this nostalgia and a desire to move back toward it. But it wasn’t the right time. I remember it crisp as anything- I was sitting in my living room in Brazil, eyes closed, calling to my mind’s eye being out on the patio of my parents’ house… almost tasting the air and feeling that Florida sun on my face! But when I opened my eyes, it was like something inside me said, “Nope, it’s not the time.” There was an inner holding back from that movement.

The most incredible part is what happened in the next year, after that.

I felt called to move to another city, still in Brazil, and while living in the new city, I was eventually led to find The Pathwork of Self-Transformation book, which completely changed my life and led me into the deepest, most transformative shadow work. It wasn’t too long after I purchased the book- a few weeks maybe- that I was feeling particularly sad and lonely, and that nostalgia feeling came up again. I got the strongest desire to move back to the US again… but this time, there was no sense of an inner holding back… I got what felt like a wordless, inner, “Yeah, ok. I see no reason why not.” It was like I had found what I had been meant to find and if I wanted to leave, that was all good.

It was a deeply profound experience that left me awed and amazed. This was back in 2008.

Over a decade later, Human Design found me

Learning that I am a sacral Generator made perfect sense. I had tuned into that sacral response before in my life, so I could definitely resonate with the concept.

But even still… it wasn’t an easy-peasy walk in the park.

And there was that whole sacral-sounds-for-decision-making thing that definitely wasn’t happening for me.

I had been deeply conditioned away from using my voice and making sounds, though. When experiencing fear or pain, I would NEVER cry out or make a sound; my reaction was always to hold my breath and become as silent as possible. Contract. Become small. It became an armor of sorts. I’ve had to work very, very hard to allow myself to be more vocal and make spontaneous sounds… like at all, ever.

Because of that, at first, it was not at all surprising that I might have cut myself off from the sacral sounds. I figured that they would begin to show up with deconditioning.

To be honest, I am still open to that possibility. At time that I am writing this, at the end of 2024, I am only about 2.5 years into my experiment. According to Ra, it takes 7 years to complete the **first** deconditioning cycle.

On the other hand, I do feel that the 15+ years I spent deep in self-transformation work with The Pathwork certainly did a lot for me toward deconditioning me from a lot of my not-self *ish*.

And, well, I was never all that well adjusted to (i.e. not fully conditioned by?! lol) the world. I could never actually get myself to fit in or fully commit… and I always saw through a lot of the insanity, too, never quite managing to get on board with most of the mass images** and conditioning that were thrown at me.

**Mass images is a Pathwork concept. Images are the ways in which we think we are supposed to be and how we think things should be. In a sense, when we are conditioned (HD speak), we form images (Pathwork speak) that we try to live up to. Our Not-Self is, in essence, the image we created of who and how we are supposed to be; we are always seeking to “live up to” it.

…… lol, I got a little sidetracked there. What was I saying?? Oh yeah…

According to Ra, it takes 7 years to decondition, and although I feel like I have certainly already a ton of deconditioning in my life already, I can feel that there is something different in the deconditioning that comes from working with the knowledge from Human Design. So I keep an open mind about the experiences I have had thus far in my experiment with the knowledge that I still have much conditioning to let go of. (And not just because Ra says there is a 7-year cycle, but because I’m human and such is the nature of being human.)

“Sacral take the wheel”

Human Design came into my life at a time when I was trying to make an online coaching business work. I was desperately moved by a deep, deep desire for a successful business… which is kind of amusing to me now; my transference IS desire.

In the summer of 2022, I reached a boiling point. Human Design resonated deeply, and I was working on learning how to apply the concepts I was learning- specifically, how to listen to my sacral authority. The business stuff was going NOWHERE and I was trying everything I possibly could. I spent SO. MUCH. MONEY. on business coaching courses to try to figure out and learn what the heck I was “missing.” I pushed myself to do uncomfortable things… to go “beyond my comfort zone” (god, I hate that phrase so so much)… and even ended up running a 5-day challenge.

DEFINITELY outside my comfort zone.

Surprisingly, I had fun lol. It wasn’t an awful experience. I did learn some stuff and got over some fears. Overall, it was a positive inner growth experience.

It did absolutely nothing for my business. NOTHING.

It was a last straw.

I retreated from trying all the marketing things and showing up online. I allowed myself to just indulge in having fun designing my website, since that brought a feeling of satisfaction, which, as a generator, is my “signature." My thought process was, “Welp, nothing is working, might as well do something that ‘won’t work’ but is satisfying.” ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

However, I **was** still pushing by trying to work on my website. Still trying to WILL my business success into existence… albeit, in this instance, through pursuing satisfaction. But I was exhausting myself. Pushing. Pushing, pushing, pushing. My wrist hurt from the incessant use of the mouse and typing.

Suddenly, I had this… epiphanous moment.

Nothing my mind could think of got me anywhere I wanted to go. I was tired. I was done. I wanted to just give up.

And my mind decided to do just that.

Human Design says that it is the body that should make the decisions? My mind suddenly said, OMG, YES PLEASE!

I threw my proverbial hands in the air and cried, “SACRAL TAKE THE WHEEL.”

And I have not looked back!

Following my energy

The only thing that truly matters in Human Design is experimenting with the concepts and how they apply to *your own* real life. That’s the only way it can actually transform your life and not become just some other interesting box you try to stuff yourself into.

But I wasn’t “trying” to experiment. I was simply fed up with what was and ready to try something different.

Instead of “trying” to “figure out” how to know what my sacral was “telling me,” I just started paying attention to my energy and allowing it to flow in whatever way it felt like it wanted to flow:

👉 I feel pulled towards taking and editing fun photos for no particular purpose? It just feels good? Ok, let’s do it.


👉 I want to lay on the couch and indulge in pointless phone games? But that feels good and everything else feels like effort? Ok, cool, phone games it is. 


👉 I can’t think of anything to do and just sitting there feels nice? Sure, okie dokies, why not? 


👉 I have a strong physical draw toward moving around in really strange ways while listening to music? Well, that’s kind of fantabulous, let’s do that.


👉 Intense and crazy thoughts are swirling around in my head and I just need to speak? Alrighty, I guess that’s what that voice notes app on my phone is for. Let’s speak it all!

I started to give my body space to express itself. I gave my energy space to express itself. I started to “follow my energy.”

It was quite an experience.

There were moments it felt glorious.

And there were moments where my mind screeched in horror at my complete and total lack of productivity. “How are we ever going to get anything we desire like this???? You can’t just allow yourself to be unproductive ALL DAY, EVERY DAY!!!! You just can’t!!!”

But I stuck with it. I had fun. I got into some hobbies and fun stuff that were never going to make me any money or advance anything for me. And I let the enjoyment of it consume me. Just because.

It makes me laugh to myself a little… as I’m recounting this time period right now, I am becoming aware of some things I had not previous really consciously acknowledged about what my mind was doing beneath the surface at that time. I said that I allowed myself to just let the enjoyment consume me just because… but the thing is, in the background, my mind would justify everything I was doing by fantasizing that someone would end up observing me and loving what I was doing and that it would all come together and have been worth it because it would end up leading to some awesomely lucrative opportunity! So, in truth, I think most of the time, my mind was able to allow myself as a whole to give in to the energy of those hobbies without too much protest because somewhere in shadows, there was a secret hope, and subsequent justification, that it was going to pay off. I was being covertly productive!

Oh, that is too funny to now become aware of that underlying dynamic there!

🤭

But the important thing is that during that time, I got more and more in touch with my body and its flow of energy…

I got more and more in touch with my sacral and its “authority,” and what it FEELS like.

I was still hoping that this all would lead me to a successful business that would give me the financial freedom and peace I so desired, but I had let go trying to find the way there. Not that it stopped my mind from still looking and imagining and hoping and fantasizing… trying to predict where that desired success would come from… trying to see what The Right Way might end up being.

This led me to some really good lessons on what it truly means to “wait to respond.”

For me, in my life and experiment, at least.

There were two instances that happened in the same time period that highlighted what the difference is between response and initiation. Or, as it was in my experience, responding to what comes to me versus responding to my own mind.

The first started with a Facebook ad.

I had been trying to “figure out” what it would take to make my business work, and I had gotten an idea that maybe if I could just get Facebook ads to work for me and someone who could do them for me, that all of my problems could potentially get solved.

Well, I came across this Facebook ad for a woman who provided a Facebook ads service, and my mind, at first, was like, Yeah, I am definitely not going to quality for that. But, of course, the algorithm gods will keep on bringing the same ads back to you, so I kept seeing hers. And I just could not stop thinking about it. One time, when I saw it, I felt so pulled to respond that I filled out a form to have a free discovery call. I mean, why not?! The worst that could happen is that she would say sorry, this is not for you. And regardless of what my mind thought about my qualification for the service, it was almost like there was nothing I could do but respond to this woman’s ad. So, I did.

What’s most interesting is that right after I responded to it, I came across another woman’s Facebook ad for exactly the same service. My mind saw that and said, “Well, I guess we might as well respond to that too. You know, throw spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks, right?! Casting a wider net certainly can’t hurt!”

But you know what?

My sacral was silent. To me, that was like it had said, “Nope. Don’t wanna respond to that one.”

So I didn’t.

And laughed at the strangeness of it all.

When I got on that discovery call, sure enough, she said that the service was not a right fit for me and what I was trying to do. However, we did talk about the work that I did, and she became interested in working with ME!

It was incredible because there was absolutely no possible way that my mind could EVER have orchestrated or predicted any of that. My mind was simply in awe at the perfection of the events that led to forming that particular relationship. I can’t say it was humbling, because that is not the right kind of feeling I had. I suppose awe-inspiring is really the best description of what it felt like. Oh, and the trust that it gave me and my mind in the whole process of surrendering to my authority.

It was a turning point for my mind. After that, yes, it certainly could and would still go into anxious overdrive, but it was not the same. There was this underlying and growing sense of being safe and secure in life, even if I can’t see where things are leading. There was this new certainty that just because my mind can’t see what’s coming doesn’t mean that something amazing ISN’T going to come to me- and WITHOUT my intervention.

On the flip side…

The second experience was an equally important lesson… on incorrectness.

I had an acquaintance who ran an online marketing business, and with whom I had previously traded services with. She was also a social acquaintance and would reach out every once in a while to say hi and see what was going on.

A little before I came across the Facebook ad that led me to working with the other woman I was just speaking of, an idea then occurred to me… I wondered if that acquaintance of mine would be interested in doing a trade with me. I could take her through my coaching program (one which I had designed a little bit before I had that Sacral-take-the-wheel letting go), and she could do some marketing for me. She had seemed open and interested in the work that I did. I thought it could be an amazing partnership.

In the spirit of waiting to respond, I did not reach out to her, even though I REALLY wanted to. But I told myself, no, that would be initiating. Just wait and see what happens.

Well, within the next week or so, she reached out to me to say hi and I thought, OH, here it is, this is the thing for me to respond to and make that trade and partnership happen!! And THEN she confided in me that she was feeling stressed, emotionally unwell, and having a tough time. It seemed like the universe giving me the sign that what I wanted was going to happen.

So I put my idea forth to her. She was receptive, saying that she would need some time before she could start as she was wrapping some projects up. We made plans to talk again the next month, in the new year. This was in December.

Fast forward to January.

The time came for us to touch base and make it happen.

However, right from the get-go, things were not going as I had imagined. On her part, she was feeling better and out of the funk she had been in when we’d last spoken. She did not really come out and say it, but reflecting in hindsight, I think she only went through with the plan out of a sense of obligation because she’d already said she’d do it. She didn’t want to let me down.

She didn’t want to do video calls, which were my preferred way of doing these calls. Being face to face, even virtually, felt different just talking on the phone. Additionally, she wanted to only do half an hour instead of an hour per call, and 3 weeks instead of 8. It began to feel as if she was “doing me a favor,” rather than actually wanting my help… which was very disheartening and felt pretty bad. The experience of doing those sessions with her were even more frustrating and disheartening. She was not at all open to what I had to share, took over the directions of the calls, and I mostly felt completely useless. I gave her a few tidbits about her Human Design that she found interesting, but that was the extent of anything useful that came from those sessions.

Her marketing trade was equally as useless and frustrating to me as my sessions seemed to be for her. I was not looking to receive what she had to share, and what she did do for me was a waste of her time, to be honest.

We both wasted each other’s time and energy in this exchange. And mind you, none of what I am saying is with disdain or blame for her. She was trying to show up for me and give me what she had to give. It was just a complete mismatch. Frustration abounded all around! (She is a manifesting generator, so her “not-self theme” is also frustration.)

After it was all said and done, and we finally came to the end of our useless exchange, I reflected upon how it all had gone down.

At that point, I had already started working with the first woman, the one whose appearance in my life was completely and totally unexpected, orchestrated 100% by the universe and 0% by me.

It was incredible to see the difference… and to begin to understand the difference between what responding and initiating feel like to me.

You see, with my acquaintance, although it had seemed like I was responding because she had reached out to me and that was when I shared my idea with her, it was actually me trying to initiate something. Yes, I did not initiate talking to her, but I definitely had an end goal in mind when sharing my thoughts and idea with her. I had a specific outcome that I wanted to create, and I thought working with her would be the means to get there. And I tried to orchestrate that path.

Whereas with the Facebook ads woman, it was like I had nothing to do with any of the results. I could not have orchestrated the path that took shape even if I had wanted to try. I was not taking actions based on an end-goal; I was just responding to what was coming at me.

👇

One was me trying to fit what was happening into an image that I had of what the result should be. The other was simply events unfolding… happening almost on their own, and me going along for the ride to see what the result would be.

👆

I always see many posts, always asking, “How do I know if it’s my authority?”

I kinda want to start responding with: The only way to learn is to fuck around and find out!!! 🤭

Lol… but seriously though…

All the theory and intellectual explanations in the world don’t matter. Someone can explain to you what the difference between initiating and responding could be… what makes sense to their minds using their words which have their own meanings attached to them… but it won’t make on teeny-tiny difference in your life until you start to FEEL what it’s like.

In theory, one could argue that I was responding with my acquaintance. Truly, on one level, I was. But there was an internal intent that made it not ultimately be so. It makes all the difference… and cannot necessarily be differentiated by applying thinking and logic to actions.

Nuances.

The nuances of energy are everything.

And THAT, you can only get to know through experience.

🌀

I have many, many more stories surrounding sacral responses to share. But they will come out with time, I guess. It’s way too much to share all at once.

Also, when we really start to get into the experiment, there are other, deeper levels that come into play that just… man I don’t even know what words I was looking for there haha… just take it all to a whole other level!

My experiment has been incredible so far and I can’t wait to continue to share more and more of it with you here!

But alas, it is time to say;

Bye, for now.