Not-Self bullshit
My Not-Self is acting up and it's really uncomfortable.
I feel sad.
Like there is a hole in my chest right now.
I have been feeling like I want to write and share more… yet, for some reason, I have not. I almost wanted to say that I felt blocked, but I don’t.
It’s more like, I feel the absence of… movement… action… impulse…
My mind is swirling. It keeps swirling… thoughts and ideas… things I want to share… things I want to write about… and so much of it feels like pure gold or genius. Things I desperately want to put out there so that other people can receive it.
(Not that many people actually do lol, but that’s a whole other story. At least when I’ve written something out here, it lives outside of my head, where someone potentially COULD stumble upon and receive it.)
But lately, my body has not been moved to action by the inspirations of my mind.
When I have tried to sit and focus and just get something out, it feels off and jumbled. I get lost in things that don’t matter (yes, I have an undefined head) and I ramble on, losing myself in unnecessary tangents without knowing how to get back to the point. Actually, in those moments, many times, I lose the point completely and can’t even remember where I was going!
Yet, I am feeling this intensely strong urge to communicate, to share, to express myself… to share the wisdom I know I have gained in my journey so far…
And as I sit here, thwarted in my efforts to get out whatever it is that needs to be expressed, I am feeling so very sad.
I know there is Not-Self bullshit in the mix here.
I have an intense desire to be seen and heard- GUYS GUYS PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!! SERIOUSLY!! My undefined throat clamors for attention and recognition.
Look at how smart, how intelligent and inspirational I am!! Look at what I know!! My undefined head and ajna, in all their Not-Self glory.
Yes, there are other layers too.
My undefined G… looking for love and belonging in all the wrong places. Maybe I will belong HERE, where people like to share and read words!! I have LOTS of those to share!!!!
And of course the big players…
My completely open centers; my Solar Plexus and Will center…
Although… because they are completely open, there is a slightly different flavor than what I normally see talked about as their Not-Self ways…
My open Will center doesn’t doubt my intrinsic value. I do truly feel quite worthy. However, I find my Not-Self here getting stuck on feeling like I need to prove TO OTHERS that I am worthy and have value. Like, damnit, why can’t they just see how frickin’ valuable I am?!?!?! I know it, I just don’t think others know it. And there is where I lose myself.
DAMNIT YOU GUYS, WHY CAN’T YOU SEE HOW AMAZINGLY INSIGHTFUL I AM!!! LOVE ME FOR IT!!! AHHHHHH!
And then my beautiful absolutely and completely open Solar Plexus… not only does it not have any hanging gates coming out of it, it has absolutely no hanging gates pointing AT it, either. My emotional system is wide fucking open.
In some ways, this is where I feel the most powerful, if I may use that word. Emotions, emotional awareness, emotional intelligence, emotional mastery… hoo boy, I shine there. And it’s like I feel all of it… every teeny tiny bit of emotional energy even remotely around me. It’s… intense, to put it mildly.
It was a wild ride when I was young because I definitely got lost in everyone else’s emotions. However, I gained much wisdom about it, even long before I found HD. As an adult, I have slowly deepened my emotional intelligence over the years.
Where my Not-Self gets really stuck there is in the avoidance of conflict.
I. Just. Want. Peace. And. Calm. Please.
Omg, if anyone gets mad… or even slightly annoyed at me… it’s very painful.
So I agonize over my words a lot. I need to say the correct thing because I don’t just want any attention. Heaven forbid anyone should disagree with and argue with me. It sends me into a panicky tailspin.
Or, wait… am I being too much? People don’t like that, and that also sends me into anxious tailspins.
Did I say the wrong thing? Oh jeez, now it’s all over. They’re gonna hate me.
Yeah. So, all together, it’s like…
OMG please see me and how amazingly insightful and brilliant I am, love me and admire me, because I really have such value to share, but only if you’re gonna like me and praise me, ok? If not, please just don’t see me, thanks.
😩😮💨
It’s exhausting.
And then I get stuck in weird holding patterns due to fear and I come to this place where all I want to do is express myself and share, but it’s not actually of any use… because it’s all driven by my Not-Self mind. And it’s not my actual wisdom/ outer authority that I am putting forth, but just whatever conditioned mind bullshit my mind can put together.
But it’s hollow and not impactful.
It’s just insipid ramblings at best.
And seeing this makes me feel kind of sad right now.
Not in a mental sort of way, which begs to be solved and resolved and taken away…
But in a quiet truth kind of way…
…that is ok with just existing as it is for now.
It just means that this is not a moment when I am going to be able share any of the value that I do have to share.
And that’s ok too. Another moment will come.
When I read this (and I’ve read it three times), I just thought—how brave you are. People think these things all the time, on the streets, at home, yet they stay silent and pretend. That’s why I struggle with live gatherings—everyone smiles and lies. If more people had the courage to embrace the mess we all are, we’d be so much more compassionate.
It brings me back to something I always explore in marketing: we’re mostly just interacting with each other’s masks. It makes no sense.
And since you feel this so deeply, maybe there’s an opportunity to work with it. Whenever something like this comes up for me, I sit with it, dig into it. Sometimes I write, sometimes I just feel. And usually, I uncover some BS I’ve been telling myself.
Just yesterday, I realized I had this underlying belief that I’m not capable—even though my actual reality says otherwise. Until I faced it, it just kept lingering. It’s kind of amazing how that works. Hope this helps.