My surrender - OR - That time I went to a Dhuni fire

This is the story of an inner pivotal moment in my journey, when my whole being chose that I was in for transformation… for real… for better or for worse. I never looked back.

In 2008, I went to India for the first time.

I had just moved back to the US from Brazil, and my dad had suggested the trip to me. To my surprise, I said, “You know what? Yes! I want to go.”

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Wait, let me give a little more context because that bit I just shared may not make sense—well, not the right kind of sense haha—without understanding that greater context of that conversation.

When I was about a year old, my parents heard about this Indian spiritual master (ummm, I am not sure if I’m supposed to capitalize spiritual master in this context?!), Meher Baba. My father has told me that in the moment he heard Baba’s name, he had this experience of his consciousness expanding and that was that… he needed to know who this man was. Which is something because he had previously considered himself an atheist.

My mother did not feel anything special and did not feel a connection to Meher Baba until years later… but eventually she did, and also came to consider herself a “Baba lover” (that is how the “followers” of Meher Baba refer to themselves.)

So I grew up a “Baba kid.”

Baba lovers held meetings where they would get together and… I dunno, discuss Baba things? Lol. As a kid, I was never interested in those meetings and would just be off in other rooms either playing with other kids or reading or entertaining myself in some way.

I was personally not at all interested in Baba.

The good thing is that my parents have always respected their children’s spiritual autonomy, never attempting to force anything upon us. They would share their beliefs, the concepts, and their personal experiences and opinions, but only in-so-much as to give us the means to explore it all for ourselves and to come to our own conclusions. It’s one of the healthiest things I was fortunate to be blessed with in my early life, as I know this kind of respect for a child’s spiritual and intellectual autonomy is more the rare exception than the norm in this world.

Once I was old enough to stay at home on my own, they no longer made me attend the meetings or go on trips to the Meher Baba Spiritual Center in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

And then there was the Baba center/“ashram” in India.

My parents would sometimes travel to India to go visit it. Not both at the same time, because there was no one to watch us kids, but they would take turns every few years. When I was old enough, they offered to take me with them. Yet I was completely and totally uninterested in all things Baba, so I always declined.

My younger sister chose to go when she was 12, I believe, and had a fun time… even though I don’t know that she was actually into Baba as a spiritual figure either.

It was quite easy to just accept it as a thing that my parents were into and to hang around it all when there was no forcing current and nothing to rebel against.

Also, Baba lovers have tended to be super nice and pleasant to be around, at least in my experiences.

But still. I had never felt called to go to India to the ashram.

Until I did…

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The journey to get myself from here, the US, to India, is in and of itself a whole, rather humorous story. It’s a long story though and not my intent to go into it today, but the abridged version is that I traveled alone… it ended up being a long and emotionally stressful journey that was actually pretty comical at times (though comical only in retrospect 😬)… and it took me some time to get my bearings about feel comfortable once I got there. But I eventually made some friends and all’s well that ends well, as the saying goes.

More or less a week in (I think), I was told that they were holding their monthly Dhuni fire.

But first... some disclaimers…

I want to make it clear that I do not know anything about the cultural and/or spiritual/religious significance (or even if there is any significance?!) to this practice in India or elsewhere; all I know is what other Baba lovers explained to me about what THEY, Baba lovers, do at these fires, which comes from Baba’s way of doing and seeing it. If that is a variation of, the same as, or completely different from the normal cultural practices, I cannot say. I did try to look it up, but I really am not one for research and investigating things like that, and no quick and easy answers came up during the search that I did.

So please keep that understanding in mind as you read what I have to say about it—especially if this is your culture’s practice!

I am also not completely sure what “Dhuni” means… and whether saying “Dhuni fire” is the equivalent of saying “Fire fire” 😅… you know, like when people say “Chai tea” and are basically calling it “Tea tea” 🤭

As a multicultural gal myself, I do try to be sensitive to cultural *ish*… and please know, I have the utmost respect for all different kinds of cultures. This is not to teach about other cultures and what these things mean or not to them; any information I share is just to inform the greater context of my story… and is what was told to me.

BUT holy fuck. Enough disclaimers and eggshell walking… let me get on with this freakin’ story, huh?!

image created by little ol’ me, having so much fun playing with Adobe Illustrator again 🎨

The Dhuni Fire

The idea is this…

There is a large bonfire and a bunch of little sticks nearby. You take one of the sticks, set an intention of something you would like to give up… let go of… sacrifice to the fire… then throw your stick into the flames to symbolize your giving up and letting go… your surrender of whatever it is. You let it burn away in the fire.

It sounds beautiful and like a holy thing to do, but the act also comes with a warning…

Be careful what you throw into the fire. It will have real and possibly unintended consequences… and you may not even realize what it will take to actually let go of what you are surrendering.

I was told a cautionary tale.

A beautiful Bollywood actress heard of Baba and came to meet him. She took part in the Dhuni fire ritual with reverence, and, as someone who valued being spiritual, she decided she wanted to throw her ego into the fire. A few weeks later, she suffered a terrible illness that ended up horribly disfiguring her face—hmmm, it might have been a terrible accident? I don’t quite recall… but either way, the result was that her face ended up horribly disfigured.

Well. She had been a beautiful Bollywood actress, and her identity—i.e. her ego!—was quite intertwined with her beauty, so becoming disfigured was quite the blow to her self-image and her ego. Yet, that was what she had chosen… to throw her ego into the fire… and she received exactly that, even if it came in a way that was more than she’d bargained for.

That story certainly gave me pause and made me ponder the whole concept deeply.

Unintended consequences. Yes. We romanticize things such as “giving up the ego”… not realizing what it would truly mean to give it up.

I’m not superstitious nor one who believes that such symbolic rituals have any inherent power,¹ but I am one for thinking a thought through all its steps and logical consequences… and this was quite a thought-provoking story for me.

I had not quite decided whether I was going to participate in the actual throwing-of-the-sticks-into-the-fire bit or not, but my mind could not help but begin to analyze all the things I might choose to surrender, if I were to participate… especially running through the potentiality for unintended consequences of said possible choices.

My mind truly enjoys such mental exercises lol

What could I wholeheartedly throw into the fire? What could I fully embrace burning away in such a fashion that there could be no “unintended consequence”?

It eventually came to me…

All that is not Truth.

I had already been deep into the Pathwork Lectures by this point, and I was committed to learning to meet, face, and embody my truths… however scary, uncomfortable, or painful…

Yes, I felt that surrender in my soul…

And so, I decided to participate.

The night of the fire, I grabbed my stick and held it with my intent.

When it was my turn, I walked up to the fire and put the emotional intent into silent words as I watched the flames…

I give up everything that is not truth.

All pretenses.
All illusions.
All that is false.

I no longer want any of it, regardless of how painful or distasteful the truth might be. I accept all consequences of this choice.

I surrender to all that is Truth within me.

And I threw my small stick into the fire and watched it burn away.

It felt peaceful. I felt really good about it.

And life went on.

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Ps. There is no aftermath story of unintended consequences, in case you are wondering. Just spirals of transformation that have unfolded, waxing and waning throughout the years since.

And even though I have gone through many intense and deeply painful periods, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Give me the truth above all else.

That is solid ground upon which I navigate.

All else can be taken from there.

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1. I emphasize inherent here… because, you see, I believe that what gives any sort of ritual—or anything, for that matter—its power, is the intent and belief behind the action. The persons emotional attachment and belief in the power of what they are doing. That is what I believe has power. So just participating in a ritual that one does not believe would have no effect, since there is none of that person’s personal power participating in it.

Oh, but! A caveat: it is the deepest layer of our emotional energy that counts here… and this layer is quite unconscious. A person may consciously think one thing, yet, in the deepest parts of their unconscious emotions, they believe the opposite. It is the deepest unconscious emotional level that will matter in the kind of power/intent I speak to.