Baby don't like it
Permission to be me - OR - That time I learned an important life lesson from my three-year-old niece
It was 2010 and my niece was 3ish. I was “watching” her for a few hours- it was always more like just getting to hang out with this adorable little person than “watching” her lol- and we were having fun, dancing around the living room.
I was wearing a long, flowy maxi skirt that would twirl beautifully around me as I spun around. Needless to say, my three-year-old niece was mesmerized by said twirly skirt.
At one point, after seeing how much her eyes sparkled when I spun, I remembered that I had a short version of the skirt… well, short for me, but it would totally fit her like my maxi version fit me. I was sure she would be thrilled to get to wear a skirt like her auntie was wearing! So I told her that I had a skirt for her that was like mine and asked if she wanted us to go get it… to which the enthusiastically said yes.
We ran off to my room; I found the skirt, and held it up for her with a smile, expecting her to squeal in delight and rush to put it on.
But she took one look at it, dramatically swooshed her head and nose up and away, and without hesitation declared, “Baby don’t like it.”1
…and promptly whirled around and sauntered off back to the living room to resume the dancing fun.
For a minute, I just stood there, confused, staring at the empty doorway.
“Wow. How RUDE!” I thought. My knee-jerk reaction was to feel hurt, bad, and defensive. “That is not nice at all!!” My conditioning mind expected, at the very least, a polite excuse if not an obligatory acceptance of the offering. It was totally thrown off by the emphatic and unashamed declaration of distaste!
However, after that initial moment of surprise, I was able to step back and view the whole situation objectively… and suddenly I could barely keep myself from laughing in admiration of the innocent and spontaneous authenticity.
The thing is, my niece did not like the skirt. That’s it. There was no judgement about me or my taste… no judgement about the value of the skirt or of my offering…
Her reaction has absolutely nothing to do with me. The simple truth was that the skirt was not to her taste. And she said so, thought nothing more of it, and went back to what we had been doing.
No. Big. Deal.
It was a teeny tiny moment in time, but it has had huge, long-term reverberations throughout my life since then.
Politeness
Don’t get me wrong. I am all about kindness and politeness. I do not believe that truth needs to be delivered in a blunt way… actually, my belief is that when we are in and communicating a WHOLE truth, it will not be seen as “blunt” or be painful for the recipient. And if we can’t deliver it in a way that does not hurt, well… then we are actually missing a part of the truth. BUTTTT that’s a whole other story for a whole other writing. Not going into that here lol.
However, we do go (wayyyyyyy) too far in the name of politeness and “kindness.”
We don’t say what we truly mean in order to “spare” people’s feelings… often accepting things we don’t like and agreeing to things we don’t want to agree to.
I know you know this… we all talk about people-pleasing so much these days. I’m not revealing any dramatic, previously-unknown truth there.
The real issue, in my opinion and personal experience, is that we get lost in the stories we tell about what things mean.
If I say or do [insert anything here], they will think [this really bad thing] of me. It will mean I am a bad person. It will mean I am insensitive. It will mean I don’t care. It will mean [some stupendously bad thing]. If they say or do [insert thing here], it means that they don’t like me… it means that I am not good enough… it means that they are a bad person… it means that………… it means, it means, it means!!!!!
We create all of this extra meaning around things, and then try to navigate a twisted, winding, and just plain uncomfortable web of complication in relationships.
As if that weren’t enough, and to further obscure and confuse it all, we don’t all ascribe the same meanings to the same actions.
Oh, it gets hairy!
Baby don’t like it
I love telling my Baby-don’t-like-it story to anyone who comes close to me in my world.
I love using it to give permission to myself and to others to embrace and accept that we don’t have to make not liking or wanting something mean a big hairy thing…
We can simply not like it.
We can simply not want it.
Just because.
And that IS enough.
No one has to be wrong for us to not like it.
Nothing has to be bad for us to not like it.
It doesn’t even have to be the same all the time either… we can not like it sometimes when we do like it at others.
None of it has to mean anything other than, at that moment, it is how we feel.
Baby. Just. Don’t. Fucking. Like. It.
The end. Full stop.
Permission to be me
It won’t let me footnote a heading- talk about rude!! 😅2
One of the things that has been instrumental in my own journey of coming back to myself- and for giving myself permission to be me- has been embracing and accepting my inner “Baby” who simply likes what she likes and dislikes what she dislikes… for no particular reason and with no story behind it.
Part of seeking permission from outside of ourselves is the habit of trying find Very Good Reasons as to Why We Are Justified in feeling the way that we feel.
By accepting that no reason is necessary… that it is ok for it to just be what it is because it IS… we begin to take back our power and give ourselves the permission we are looking for.
It’s ok for Baby to not like it.
I give me permission to be let Baby be exactly how she is.
“Impoliteness” and all.
😉
Other posts to go poke around in
During this period of time, when she was learning to talk, my niece would often refer to herself in the third person as “Baby.” I think it came from her interactions with her paternal grandmother. I always thought it was super adorable.
When I saw March’s prompt for Kaleidoscope Project writing challenge, I could not help but think of this story and the lesson my niece taught me, all those years ago.
I already wrote my submission for the challenge (read it here!), but my brain will not stop pouring out more words on the subject. It is a subject that is near and dear to my heart! (Ok, granted, the challenge’s prompt is just plain permission, but my mind has firmly attached “to be me” to the end of it, so it is what it is lolol)
Yesss!!! I am a grown-ass version of that kid haha Honestly I sometimes sound rude too but over the years my friends have understood and embraced my bluntness 😅